Even though I clearly told you guys to leave stupid jeans behind in 2017, the trend obviously isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Which is like, pretty shocking because I really thought that my sarcastic vaguely fashion-related ramblings really had a serious reach. Anyway, ASOS just rolled out the dumbest effing jeans I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I genuinely believe these are the worst ones yet. (And yes, I’ve seen those thong jeans.) These are so heinous that I wouldn’t even be into them if Rihanna wore them.
I have a lot of questions. The first, most obvious one is what the fuck? I’m not really sure what look is trying to be achieved here, other than “I may be down for some casual butt stuff,” but my first impression is that someone tried to resurrect an Abercrombie denim mini skirt by handcuffing it to some pants legs.
Secondly, why are these crotchless? What kind of underwear are you supposed to wear with these? I’ve finally warmed up to the idea of letting a Calvin Klein waistband sit over the top of your jeans, but this feels like we’ve lost all control of the human race. Am I weird for wondering if these are easier or more difficult to go to the bathroom in that regular jeans would be?
These jeans are apparently reworked Levi’s. They’re $119, which, at the risk of sounding like every uncle making fun of his niece’s ripped jeans, feels kind of steep for a pair of pants that literally shows your entire ass.
To be totally transparent, I will admit that in a moment when I’d obviously entered a questionable headspace, I did buy a pair of jeans similar to these from Forever 21. I know, I know. But, they don’t show my butt, crotch or any other body part that could potentially get me arrested for public indecency. I did try to track them down online
to defend myself so you could buy them, too, but because Forever 21 is a total shit show, I can’t track them down. If you want them, you’re going to have to do it the old fashioned way and rip through dozens of racks of clothes that look promising but actually have “no fuckboys allowed” or french fries embroidered on the front.